I suppose that this part of my life truly is ‘in the middle of things’. Less than a year ago I reached the inescapable conclusion that I wanted to change. I certainly wasn’t a bad or dysfunctional person by any means. In fact I almost had it all, a large number of friends, popularity and even some notoriety, and respect. In fact the one thing that stuck in the way was my apparent inability to attract women. This, along with baseless self doubt, and a lack of confidence that I’ve recently been told didn’t show. I felt unable to maintain happiness and the less than positive emotions could stick with me all too tenaciously.
As a little kid I was a cocky leader of boys in the schoolyard, I moved to a town notorious for its assholes and my little boy feelings started getting hurt. Daddy didn’t know how to deal with kids so neglected to make a man of me while mommy dearest (an angel really) turned me into a sissy-boy nerd. From rambunctious bully to quiet bookworm, I had my first epiphany in early highschool that being the perfect little boy was doing me jack shit. I was miserable because I’d always reserve judgment and would constantly suppress emotional responses.
My first transformation happened, I cut my hair down, dropped the thick nerd glasses, spiked it up, and started working out. I decided to fake being super awesome and hey, it was impressive. I started getting a lot of popularity and the younger classmen worshipped me. Little had I known that I was finally stepping foot on the right track. However the main problems remained, I was for the most part girlfriendless, couldn’t keep them if I did. I set girls up on a mighty high pedestal although I didn’t go out of my way to treat them as such. Still beliefs tend to shine through. I’d always look back and curse the mistakes of the past. My life was improving but my eyes were firmly fixed facing backwards.
College was a good lesson. You quickly learn not to pretend to be something you’re not, because it gets very hard, very quickly, to keep that going 24/7. The frenetic pace and general insanity that literally occurred DAILY through my first year kept me too busy to spend time aggravating over past mistakes. As a result I became IMMENSELY more in the moment, but still was a slave to my emotions of anxiety or nervousness, preventing me to be upfront and fully natural. I developed a ‘oneitis’ right from the get-go (after a case of mistaken identity) that I still haven’t fully freed myself from 4 years later (which has actually been for the best because it ironically freed me to be more natural in the end). My short term memory atrophied from lack of use, since something crazy always seemed to happen every few minutes. We bonded as a floor to a high degree, but that was doomed not to last. For the next two years that would be a regret of mine.
After the first year the craziness lessened but it kept going. I pledged a fraternity which turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life, while dealing with actual catastrophe’s back home. I developed useful trade skills and worked hard to pay my bills. My interests were far flung and diverse, and with my slightly obsessive tendencies, I would delve into them to minutiae. My social network rapidly expanded and by my senior year I was at the point where this story began.
It began innocuously enough, I was looking for something. I was never quite sure what. Perhaps a fulfilling relationship since I’ve never seen any except on television. TV is poison, it made me want what I still don’t know if I can have. I had the good fortune to encounter like-minded people and I finally began setting foot on the path that would a year later have made me so much more the person I wanted to be, having conquered many fears, emotions, and mental handicaps that kept me from realizing the truth of my situation.
You see, I like people. I also like people to be happy and I like to make them happy. However, that desire didn’t come from a healthy place in my mind but some form of insecurity. I made my enjoyment contingent upon others. For my entire life I had surrendered that power because I didn’t really understand what loving yourself truly meant. I was hard evidence kind of guy, I thought psychology was bullshit and the past was dead but can be learned from. I’m still a hard evidence guy, but it has been expanded in ways far beyond anything that the average naysayer would even begin to comprehend. As I began developing certain aspects of my personality, to develop my confidence, I finally saw where the problem had been. I surrendered power over my own happiness to the mercurial moods and attitudes of others. I was adrift without a strong purpose and was influenced to one side or another. I found my own purpose, became the star of the show of my life, and reclaimed that inner power and inner value. My life has never been better and I freed myself from the need for validation… for the most part (more on that eventually). I’m not enlightened. I haven’t reached my goal. It’s a journey, not a destination, and so at this point of great flux, I can take the time to once more look back, but this time with amazement at all the things I’ve accomplished and when I turn my eyes forward, its with anticipation as I cant even imagine where I’ll be a year from now.
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