In-sight. Looking towards a fixed future.

The way the mind works can be very sly.
Early on in my time at law school, my work with self hypnosis was extraordinarily powerful. I had yet to develop the habits and routines (connections, anchors and strategies) and so it was easy to massively revise my approach and personality there from time to time. If you have read a little about my post on ‘anchors’(or strategies), or have knowledge of these sneaky little connections yourself, you understand how it can be more difficult to generate fast and powerful change when they are established.

So lets get a little bit personal. As the harried student of American jurisprudence, there is little leeway for personal time. The people, the classes, they days blend together, and weeks soar by rapidly. Truly a prime environment for quickly developing a habitual routine. Unfortunately not only has the work become routine, but the states associated (not to be confused with associated states). Along the way I’ve been using my varied skillset to release negative emotions that are generated, maintain an (often) enthusiastic or generative state, and on several occasions, deconstruct certain attractions I’ve felt for colleagues of mine. Although it *may* be a fertile field to develop ‘casual’ relationships, its not what I’m looking for, in fact, I’m not looking. Quite frankly, I’m too busy right now, and I’ve been exploring the ways to fully acquiring my footing in this first semester unfettered by such particular connection.

Fortunately I am selective so I am sure-footed enough to not ’fall’ easily. However, if someone demonstrates the qualities I find attractive, it quickly extends past mere physical appreciation of their external assets. To both my pleasure and dismay, one such made their way from the pack, and I found this particular lady both charming, funny, and intriguing. My interest piqued, but determination to move on and suppress it was obviously a poor choice. To negate something, you must experience it, and slowly and surely my emotions went from passing intrigue to something a bit more… intense. I banished them twice, but to apply a DHE metaphor, you can deal with an emotion but if you leave the machine that made it intact, it will just go on creating itself in the same way again. Apt. Same inputs created the same results. It is almost scientific.

Not (any longer) being one to mask these thing, and putting it out in the open is superior (in my opinion) than dragging burdensome feelings in secret, I pulled her aside a few days ago and directly told her that as I’ve gotten to know her better I’ve come to find her very attractive. Also I made it clear that I was not looking for anything presently. Her response was somewhat typical from (my) experiences with the direct approach, shocked, flattered, and substantially positive. If I can take this further when my time frees up after exams, we will see.

One thing out of all this that I have recently realized however was the inertia of my behavior. Outside of class, without thought, behaviors, ideas, jokes, pranks, come to me easily. In class however, that playfulness is substantially dampened, and I’m completely present oriented, but not to my best qualities (in that respect). The why just occurred to me, “You don’t rise to the occasion, you fall to your training.” Old states and strategies had crept in again. In college, most of my dynamism and social savvy stemmed from motion. I was changing venue, outside, and my best interactions came from transitory locales. Parties, coffee shops, outside, etc. Sitting in the same room for hours on end here had me, in part, reverting to substantially less hyper-socialized behaviors, some of which I had not engaged in for years since I learned better. The why? I had never acted in those ways in a classroom setting. As the song goes ‘Its all coming back to me.” In fact, this was so subtle, my recognition of this finally solved the musings I’ve entertained of the why certain changes and efforts have become so difficult. Now I turn my eyes forward to examine the ‘how’ to break the back of this inconvenience and return to representing myself in the best way possible.